Due Date

Well it is here, my due date.  It has come far too quick for this aching heart.  Through all the valleys I have traveled in the last six months, I have learned more about myself than I thought I would ever learn.  It may even be safe to say that Jason and I have learned a lot about each other through this journey.  We have cried together, held each other, and been brave together at times.   I know that without Jason in my life helping me to rely on Christ, this journey would have been unbearable. 

I have received so much support over the last several months from family, friends, and even those who I am not quite familiar with.  I want to give a big thank you to each of you.  Your prayers, love, sensitivity, hugs, and support have meant so much to me.  I have learned through my blogs and comments from people that Jason and I have not been traveling down this road alone.   I lift up many prayers to those who know the heartache of losing a child, no matter the age. 

It’s not hard to venture to say that we all have a breaking point and mine came about a month ago.  I thought that I was truly relying on God’s strength to get me through my dark days, but looking back, I don’t think I really was.  I wanted to convince myself that God was working out His beautiful plan for me.  However, when I look back at where my heart rested, I was not trusting God the best I could.  All I remember is sobbing (and I do not mean a cute little cry).  I wanted to scream out, question God’s plan, and doubt His goodness.  I knew if I did, Satan was going to win the battle.

Recently there have been many songs that have helped me get through many tear-filled days.  Meredith Andrews has a song called “Not for a Moment”.   I am adding the lyrics below.  My prayer to you is this: Remember in our dark days, our days of questioning, days that are filled with storms and those filled with laughter…God is constant.  Jeremiah 29:11-13 says, “’For I know the plans I have for you,’ says the LORD. ‘They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.  In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.’”  Remember, God is on our team and is willing to listen and fill your heart.  Are you ready for Him?

"Not for a Moment" sung by Meredith Andrews

You were reaching through the storm
walking on the water
even when I could not see
in the middle of it all
when I thought You were a thousand miles away
not for a moment did You forsake me
not for a moment did You forsake me

after all You are constant
after all You are only good
after all You are sovereign
not for a moment will You forsake me
not for a moment will You forsake me

You were singing in the dark
whispering Your promise
even when I could not hear
I was held in Your arms
carried for a thousand miles to show
Not for a moment did You forsake me

and every step every breath you are there
every tear every cry every prayer
in my hurt at my worst
when my world falls down
not for a moment will You forsake me
even in the dark
even when it's hard
you will never leave me
after all

not for a moment will You forsake me

Seeking Healing...

I want to share with you all what God has been doing in my life.   Over the last few weeks God has begun to humble me.   It is truly amazing how God can use a tragedy to ground you in your faith more.  To catch up some of my readers, or those new to this blog: Jason and I unfortunately lost our first child 10 weeks into the pregnancy.  When we were told about our miscarriage, the statistics were not comforting.  Even though 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, the pain and hurt felt was not erased.

 

One day last week, the armor of strength I attempted to carry for myself crumbled.  See, I decided soon after the miscarriage that I was going to have to be strong.  I did not, however, decide to fully lay down my burdens, my pain, my heartache at God's feet.  The armor that was suppose to strengthen me, only weighed me down throughout the past months.  To be cliche, the straw that broke the camel's back happened this past Thursday. 

 

As I e-mailed a co-worker earlier this week, I mentioned how I am still grieving the loss of my child.  She quietly mentioned that I'm probably not only grieving, but I also dealing with a hole in my heart and soul.  That was my (as Oprah would say) "Ah Ha!" moment.  While I have been laying down my pain to God and asking for His healing, I've not once mentioned asking Him to make my heart and soul whole again in Him. 

 

I decided to seek out God's healing through scripture and here is what I found:

 

"O LORD, don't rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your rage. Have compassion on me, LORD, for I am weak. Heal me, LORD, for my bones are in agony.  I am sick at heart.  How long, O LORD, until you restore me? --- I am worn out from sobbing.  All night I flood my bed with weeping, drenching it with my tears.  My vision is blurred by grief; my eyes are worn out because of all my enemies."  (Psalm 6:1-4, 6-7)

 

Until we fully recognize that we need God in ALL of our grief, joy, and the in-between moments...we will not be full.  I realized that trying to prove to myself that I am strong enough was not going to work anymore.  I need, every day, for God's healing in my heart and my soul.  I know that HE is the only one that can provide such relief.

 

Dear Heavenly Father, You are the Great Physician.  You know my pain, my heartache, my needs.  I pray for healing and comfort.  May I grow everyday and learn Your will for my life.  In Jesus' Name, Amen. 

 

 

Be Humble....

    I'm going to start this blog off where several questions.  But first, I ask that you take a moment, open your heart and ears so that you may hear what God has to say.  When you're ready, search your heart and answer the questions I'm about to ask you honestly.

     What do your actions say about you?  How loud is your volume when your speaking of your success?  Are you quick to take credit for your abilities?  When your strengths fail you, who do you blame?  What happens when you are not able to perform to your abilities?  Do you tend to coward down?  Do you have to swallow your pride and admit defeat?

      In today's society, there is a level of acceptance when it comes to pride.  Look around at Hollywood, many individuals want to stake claim on their athletic abilities, their beauties, their talents, etc.  Even in small communities, this continues to happen.  The pain God must feel from this saddens my heart.  I mean, think about it, how do you feel when someone takes credit for something that you did.  How do you feel?  Now think about it at a different level, a higher level.  God created the World, He created us, and gave us our talents. 

      This is about the best transition I can give when it comes to my topic: Being Humble.  Philippians 2:3 says, "Don't be selfish; don't try to impress others.  Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves."  We are to be Christ-like, humbling ourselves before God.  As you read further in Philippians 2 it talks about having the same attitude as Christ (v.5).  If you have the same attitude as Christ you become humble. 

      Here's a list of things to remember...

1. Don't be selfish.  Jesus could have been selfish and say, "Pay your own way into Heaven."  But thank goodness He didn't.  He laid His life down so that we wouldn't have to.
2. Be humble.  Jesus not only sat with the lowly, He loved them.  He did not take credit for His powers, instead, He praised His Father. 
3. Praise God.  It is not your strength, your talents, your abilities that people recognize.  It is God using you and giving you what you need.  God deserves the praise for giving you the strength, talent, and/or ability.

Dear Gracious Heavenly Father, thank you for all you do.  Thank you for knowing my needs and providing for them.  I give you the praise and glory for my abilities.  You have created me, I did not create myself or my talents.  Praise to you Lord.  Continue to use me to reach others.  In Jesus' name, AMEN.

Redeemed

       Have you ever stopped to think about how you define yourself?  I mean, really sit down and think about who you are.  I posed a question today and yesterday asking people on my Facebook account to describe themselves in one word.  I wanted this be more than a challenge, and for some, it may have been. 

Here were some of the responses I got:

-Prayerful

-Real

-Blessed

-Graceful

-Shy

-Reserved

-Adaptive

-Positive

      Would you fit into one of the words listed?  Can you relate to some of the responses?  Does one of the words truly reflect who you are?  Here's my challenge for you.  Take a quiet moment and think of a word that sums up who you are.  (A little more challenging than you thought?)

      Does your word reflect who you are on the inside and outside? Proverbs 27:19 says, "As a face is reflected in water, so the heart reflects the real person."  This is what God wants from us, our hearts and our actions to reflect Him.
      I've been thinking about my word for a while.  Honestly, my word is the title of a song that truly reflects my heart.  Big Daddy Weave sings the song Redeemed.  According to good ole Mr. Webster redeemed is defined as: to buy back, to get back or win, to change for the better.  Now stop and think about the definition for a while.  Redeemed...this is what Christ has done for you.  He has won you back from sin and is changing you for the better.  (You just have to accept Christ as your Savior.)

      Have you been redeemed?  Have you let Jesus Christ into your heart so that His life, His love, His sacrifice is reflected in you?  I'm going to put the chorus of Redeemed on this blog.  I pray that the words of the song resonate in you.

And I am redeemed, You set me free

So I'll shake off these heavy chains,

And wipe away every stain

Now I'm not who I used to be

I am redeemed

    God does not want you to be the same person you were before sin came into your life.  If this were true, He would not have sent His Son to die for you.  Praise God that we are redeemed.  Listen to the rest of the song and hear what God is saying to you.  YOU ARE REDEEMED.

Dear Precious Lord,  thank you for redeeming me.  Thank you for washing away my stains, lifting off those heavy chains so that I can be free in You.  I pray Lord that my heart is a reflection of You and that it shows on the outside.  In your Son's Name I pray, Amen.

The Story Continues...

       For a while I have wanted to write this blog, however, the words seem to fall short.  I titled this blog "The Story Continues" because I wanted to update those who follow my blogs about the miscarriage. When it comes to my miscarriage, several things flow through my mind: heartache, disappointment, pain, and somehow comfort.  The best way to explain the progress of coping with having a miscarriage would probably to explain the stages of grief by Kubler-Ross. 

       The miscarriage is still very real today (nearly four months later).  There are daily reminders of Jason and I losing our baby (those having babies around us, milestones in the pregnancy we would be at, specific songs, etc).  (Please know this, if you are expecting a bundle of joy, I cannot be any more happier for you...I rejoice with you and grieve silently)  For some who have experienced a miscarriage, you may be able to closely relate to this.  Others, may not fully understand the loss or pain.  This is still a very sensitive subject for me.

      Kubler-Ross stated that there are 5 stages of grief.  Some individuals may experience all five stages; other individuals may tarry a while in one specific stage longer than others.  I'll do my best to explain them and share what God says about grief.

     1. Denial - During this stage, an individual may deny that an event/loss/etc occurred.  This is generally noted as a defense mechanism.  (The night before I went in to see the doctor, I floated in this stage.  For me, I think a lot had to do with trying to stay positive.  But deep down, I did not want to face the reality of losing my baby.)

     2.  Anger - This is kind of self-explanatory here.  Feelings an rage/envy/etc are misplaced with anger. (I believe I briefly experienced anger.  I was more angry at myself than anything.  I knew, and still know, that God has a plan for me.  I was upset at myself and doubting myself, "Could I have done something different?" "What if I did this instead of that?"---All which are unhealthy thoughts!)

      3. Bargaining - At this stage, the individual may be looking for ways to prolong an event like death.  Some individuals seek to bargain to mend a relationship/friendship.  (For me, I did not have time to bargain.  I found out the day before my birthday, the progress was pretty rapid after than, medically speaking.)

      4. Depression - An individual may distance themselves from others to begin to cope with dying or death.  They may begin to question, "Why me?"  (This stage has been the hardest for me.  I feel like I float between stages 4 & 5.  There is a specific song that comes on KLOVE and Jason now recognizes to change it.  There are mornings I wake up and feels in the slumps because I miss my baby.  For ten weeks, I had a little being in me, depending on me.  I am still in awe at how quick I became attached to my baby.  However, I remind myself that God has my baby in His hands where there is no pain.)

     5. Acceptance - The final stage is where an individual begins to acknowledge what is going to happen or what has happened.  (I have accepted the miscarriage.  The acceptance for me came when I had to be admitted to the hospital and have a D&C completed.  However, I feel that I will be emotional about the miscarriage for a while...and that is part of the grief process for me.)

     Throughout the process of grief, I am reminded of the chapter in Ecclesiastes where it talks about the different seasons.  God shares that there is going to be grief in this world.  Where there is sin, grief is close by.  However, God tells us that while we may grieve for a time period, we will also learn to dance and rejoice.

For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.  A time to be born and a time to die.  A time to plant and a time to harvest.  A time to kill and a time to heal.  A time to tear down and a time to build up.  A time to cry and a time to laugh.  A time to grieve and a time to dance. (Ecc. 3:1-4).

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for your many blessings in life.  You continue to provide for our needs.  Thank you for your grace and mercy which covers my sins.  I pray Lord that you continue to heal this broken heart.  In your Precious and Holy Son's Name, AMEN. 



Faith, Freedom, Foundation

     Since the 4th of July just occurred, an echo still lingers in my heart: Freedom.  Our founding fathers worked hard, sacrificed so much, and envisioned a new world.  Some individuals may question, "Well did they get it right?"  I think that they most certainly did.  However, I pause for a moment and think of what our country is currently going through.  It would be haste to say that those who developed The Declaration of Independence thought that this country would not see war again, would not have obstacles or barriers to defeat.  Simply look at what America has overcome: slavery, Civil Rights, multiple wars, equal rights, terrorist, and much much more. 

     I do have one outstanding concern about where America has come from and where it is heading.  Thomas Jefferson (who wrote the first draft) and others placed the foundation of this country on God.  Today...well...that foundation is slowly being replaced.  The foundation is being replaced with popularity, celebrity status, fame, money, jealously, etc.  This is my concern: we founded this country on God but several hundred years later we want to take that away? 

     I remember in ninth or tenth grade having to learn and memorizes the first few lines of The Declaration of Independence.  Standing in front of the class, repeating the words (to be honest, my best friend had to help me in a few spots), palms sweating, the words simply just crossed over my lips.  There was no contemplating what exactly I was saying.

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among those are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness."

     Re-read over the above several times if you need to.  Contemplate what it really means.  Thomas Jefferson, along with many others, placed their faith in God.  They trusted that God would provide for this country and see it prosper.  The trust in God was so deep that it has been printed on our money, stated when we make a pledge to this country, and stamped/engraved on many memorials. 

     To make a parallel conclusion, God has been doing what our Constitution has said since the beginning of time.  HE has created us equal through HIS son.  He saw that when two unequally yoked individuals join in marriage that they will face frequent trails.  He saw and still sees the importance of being equal in life, marriage, friendship, relationships, etc.

     God knew that we would need a Savior just like our forefathers knew we needed a strong and steady foundation.  God has freed us from slavery, from oppression, from sin, from ourselves.  To receive a freedom that is everlasting and makes a place for us in eternity is simple.  God only requires you to do one thing...one small, simple thing: Proclaim Him as your Lord and Savior. There are no battles to fight, no wars to win to claim freedom.  God will take your place on the battlefield if you will just accept Him.  How AMAZING?  So what is holding you back?  What foundation are you still standing on?  Is your foundation God or something else?

Dear Gracious, Holy, and Just Heavenly Father, I come to you tired and broken.  I am worn from the many battles Satan has engaged me in throughout my life.  I pray Lord that you take my place.  I ask Lord that you come into my heart and cleanse my soul.  I seek first Your Kingdom, not mine.  In Jesus' Name I pray, AMEN.

Loving & Forgiving...

      Over the past few weeks God has really been speaking to me on two major aspects: love and forgiveness.  I have done blogs over the last few years about both topics.  However, I am constantly amazed at how God continues to use two words to speak volumes in various ways.  It is almost as those these words would appear simple, but they are very complex in various ways.  Here is what God has been laying on my heart about both words.

Both words are:

1. Daily aspects of life.  [Everyday we have the opportunity to love each other and forgive each other.  There may be times that we do not think we daily forgive, but we do.  We may have to forgive someone who has cut us of while driving, who has hurt us in the past as we daily face the trails, or we have to forgive ourselves.  We love those who are close to us, support us, work with us, etc.]

2. Action oriented.  [This is a tough concept to comprehend or adjust to.  I struggle with this on a daily basis.  Loving someone who makes it fun or easy to love is nice.  However, God calls us to love EVERYONE.  Even when we have been hurt, repeatedly, we need to love through God.  I will say this, loving someone through Christ Jesus helps us learn to forgive them.  But this I mean, if we love like Jesus did, we learn to forgive like He did.  He is the great example.] ("But I tell you who hear me; Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who cruse you, pray for those who mistreat you." Luke 6:27-28)

3. Empowering.  [As a Christian, it is my duty to honor God and live a life for Him.  If I am demonstrating how to love and forgive someone, I believe this is empowering for others.  If I can somehow mustard up some strength, moreso faith, to do God's will, this may empower other's to do the same.]  (He replied, "Because you have so little faith.  I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move.  Nothing will be impossible for you."  Matthew 17:20-21)

4. Character Assassins.  [If we, you, I, call ourselves Christians and we do not love or forgive...what are we standing for?  There is a song I really enjoy by For King and Country that says, "Let my love love like You and what Your made of, How you lived, How you died, Love is sacrafice".  How beautifully written.  We do not want to shy away from or belittle Jesus' life: His message, His saving grace by not loving or forgiving.  We do not want to lose our character.]

      There are many other ways to say and apply love and forgiveness.  Remember, we are called to love all and forgive all.  I will say that from my experience, loving someone can be from afar and may mean by/through prayer.  Forgiving someone does not mean we approve of someone's behavior.  Instead it means we choose to live a life and have a heart like Christ.  Loving others and forgiving other's frees us from pain and heartache.  I leave you with this quote...

"Dare to love and to be a real friend.  The love you give and receive is a reality that will lead you closer and closer to God as well as to those whom God has give you to love." Henri J. M. Nouwen

Father's are Leaders

      Happy Father's Day to all the dad's and soon to be father's out there.  Today is a day to remember those men who have fulfilled the role of a father in your life.  Today is kind of a bitter sweet day for me.  See, I have been very quiet with aspects of my personal life.  I am not one to shy away from sharing my experiences.  However, I feel that some aspects of my life need to stay quiet, simply to protect those that may get upset/hurt. 
      I have shared through my blogs the message of standing up for your faith and what God calls you to do.  Here is another chance for me to do this.  My relationship with God has become stronger because I have had to place certain boundaries in my life.  An example of this reverts back to my relationship with my earthly father. 
     My relationship with my Heavenly Father has grown closer and deeper because I decided to place Him first.  I have learned that what you put into a relationship, later in life you will reap the benefits from it.  (OK, so in most situations this holds true.)  I have also learned that if you do not take care of or maintain the relationship, the relationship will whither away.
      Think of it this way: if you are in a leadership role, then you are in a status to make changes. Men, this could not ring more true for you in the household. (I may step on toes with this one, but I feel it is necessary to point out God's will.) God called you, men, to step up and lead the house in HIS will, not anyone else's. I, unfortunately, did not always understand this concept until I went through pre-marital counseling. If your father did not take you to church, did not worship God with you, or did not lead by Christ's example, then be the change!
     What bigger and more important role do you have than to be a parent, even more, a father.  Your job is to raise a child the way Christ wants you to.  God has a plan and direction for your family.  God seeks to know your heart as a father in order to help shape it into the heart of a godly father.  Remember fathers and mothers, that when Christ calls you home, He will hold you accountable for your job as a parent. 
     You may not have had the best earthly example of a father.  I will confidently say, you have the best Heavenly Father and example in Him on who to be.  If you do not know God as your personal Lord and Savior, then I challenge you to do so.  Start today and be the change you are called to be. 
Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for blessing me richly.  I praise you Father for being the support I need and for loving me.  Lord I pray that I can be the example You need me to me.  I pray Lord, that if you bless my husband and I with children, that we may be the parents You have called us to be.  Amen.       

Your Life = Inspiring?

Everyday I go to work I flip over a page on a daily inspiration calender.  Today's was nothing less than inspirational:

"The blossom cannot tell what becomes of its fragrance when it drifts away,

just as no person can tell what becomes

 of his or her influence as she or he continues through life."

How true is this of life?  We should daily strive to do our best, leave an impression on someone, influence the lost (children, family, friends, etc), and love all.  I will be the first to admit that this is a struggle for me.  It's so difficult to find ways to love some, to do our best when we are tired/worn out, or simply to find the strength to carry on. 

When I think back to those who have influenced my life, it was not only in their successes that I found inspiration, it was during their trials that they showed their true faith and dedication.  Below are someone of the earthly individuals that have inspired me through life and how they have inspired me.  (In no particular order)

1. Mother - Even the moments that I was unlovable (and boy I have more than my share of those moments), she kept loving me.  My mother has taught me through example how to love God, have a passion in life and pursue it, and place family first.

2. 3rd Grade Teacher (Mr. Brown) - I would say that this year was a year of MANY adjustments.  In one year I experienced several loss and changes.  Through those adjustments, Mr. Brown gently guided me and understood my personality (shy, timid, etc).

3. Grandmothers - I have to make this one plural.  Both of my grandmothers are tough, strong, and faithful women.  They have shown dedication to family, been gentle, educators in life's challenges, and man are they good cooks.  (Many of you may agree on the last aspect...hehe!)

4. Coach Hall (former high school advisor) - Through high school Coach Hall challenged his students.  His teaching style truly embraced all aspects; from coloring our notebooks to the realities in the activities.  He challenged my beliefs and thoughts of my faith.  Without experiencing one specific day in his class, I would not have sought out personal understanding and growth in my faith.

5. Courtney - My best friend.  Oh the journey we have been on through senior year of high school all the way through college.  We have understood heartache together, frustrations, love, and crazy times.  Our lives are so parallel in regards to our family circumstances that I cannot imagine not having her by my side through the hurtles.

The individuals listed above do not stand alone together.  There are many other individuals I would put in the category of inspiring.  Without saying, God has lead me down amazing paths.  Without God placing these individuals in my life at the specific times He did, I would not have grown to be who I am.  So I leave you with this...Who are you inspiring?  How are you making a difference in someones life?

Love and Blessings....

Reading = Stress Relief

One of my favorite things that I like to do during my free time is read.  Reading sends me into a different world, it takes me into a magical place, it helps me relax.  So some individuals, reading is more like a chore.  I'll be honest, it use to be a chore for me, literally.  Every summer morning my sister and I had a chore list and on it: 20 minutes of reading (among several other items).  Reading has not always been a pleasure for me, but sometime around 6th or maybe 7th grade it changed. 

Currently my favorite author is Nicholas Sparks.  I enjoy his tastefully writing style, his simple but complex story lines of love and occasional heartache.  I enjoy Nicholas Sparks so much, I have dedicated several vacation trips to some of the locations that his movies have been set in.  (I'll attach a picture with a description).

(Me infront of the house in The Last Song...Tybee Island, GA)

I'm not writing a blog today to talked about Nicholas Sparks.  I'm writing a blog to talk about 2 things, stress and God.  Stress is a part of life, something that is inevitable at times.  We, as humans, as individuals, need to find ways to let go of our stress and take care of ourselves.  God even calls us to do this.  1 Peter 5:7 says, "Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you." (NLT)  Stress = Worrying.

I'm going to be honest with you, this is something I struggle with daily.  My mother has always told me, if I don't have something to worry about, I'll worry about not having anything to worry about.  I have become a professional at worrying.  However, since I know that this is a weakness of myself, I need to be more aware of the times I worry and place it in God's hands. 

When we surrender our worries, cares, stress, whatever to God, He can fully work in our lives.  If we place our heart, our desires, and love in God's hands, His will can be fulfilled.  So, what are you waiting for?  Worrying does not solve our problems.  Corrie Ten Boom has a valid point, "Worrying does not empty tomorrow of it sorrows, it empties today of it's strength."  Give it to God!

Dear Precious Father, I thank you for your abundant love and support.  Thank you for knowing my needs even before I know them.  Thank you Lord for providing for my needs and even at times my wants.  I praise You for my blessings.  I place all my worries and cares in your hands today and every day Lord.  In Jesus' Name, AMEN.

Born for This

A new beginning.  That is how I wish to express the changes I have made in my life.  A fresh perspective, a different outlook, and healthier journey.  My blogs have always been a message of hope, love, personal experiences, and encouragement.  If my blogs have not been that to you, then understand my deepest sympathies. 

The new journey that I am taking is meant to challenge myself but one meant for growth.  I do believe that with changes in life comes growth.  I have deactivated my facebook account in hopes to grow with Christ more.  I have become consumed with spending an abundance of time on facebook and hear the "talk of the town" gossip.  I have replaced part of my life with God with facebook.  My hope is that this change will only be for a period of time.

I need to stand up for my morals and values.  My focus needs to change from pain/hurt/sorrow to that of praise for God and rejoicing.  I am refusing to let Satan utilize tools meant to help us, hurt me.  I am be alone in the change, I am stand with no support.  But I know that my decision to step out of situations and to take a higher road is what God wants me to do.

Mandisa has song out that reflects the story of Esther.  Esther was a women who in the face of challenge chose to "stand apart from the crowd".  She had to make a decision, save her family or let them die.  This story in the Bible does not end in tragedy, her family lived.  The song goes as this:

"There's a time to hold your tongue, time to keep your head down, there's a time but it's not now.  Sometimes you gotta go uninvited, Sometimes you gotta speak when you don't have the floor, Sometimes you gotta move, when everybody else says no way, no not today.  You gotta ask, if you want an answer, Sometimes you gotta stand, apart from the crowd, Long before you heart could run the risk, you were born for this."

I know that you may not fully understand my decision, my reasoning, or my thoughts.  But my time is NOW.  God is calling me to stand up for my morals and values NOW.  What are you going to stand for?  When God calls me home to be with Him, I will gladly say that I did my best and followed His will.  My question to you: What are you born for?

Dear Heavenly Father, I know the plans that you have for me are not to harm me.  Please Lord help me to find peace in the decisions You have called me to make.  I pray that through this journey You are leading me on, I can do Your will.  I pray Lord for those who support me or question me.  Thank you for Your love and support.  In Jesus' Name, AMEN.

The Story Continues

It's been over a month since I blogged about a tragic end to a beautiful story Jason and I were writing.  I should rephrase that.  It has been over a month since I blogged about God demonstrating His glory, love, mercy, grace, and strength to Jason and I.  To be honest, I wasn't all that sure on how to cope with hearing that we lost our baby last month.  Well today, I still am unsure how to cope with the pain.

God has been apart of my life since I was born.  I formally accepted His grace and gift of eternal life on April 9th, 1994. Over the past month or so, God has really been present in my life in a variety of ways.  While it is devastating (and that word is not used lightly) to have a miscarriage, strength has come out of my moments of weakness. 

Mother's Day was just a few Sunday's ago and it was a challenge for me to overcome (I'm not even sure if I have overcome it fully).  I remember going to church, sitting by Jason, and almost bracing myself.  The pastor asked all the mother's to stand to recognize them, I sat and cried.  I cried because the joy of motherhood was prematurely removed from me.  When I was able to gather myself, the offering prayer was offered to God.  At that point, I could not stop the tears from flowing.  My heart was breaking, knowing that this was the first year I could celebrate Mother's Day with a baby growing inside of me.  Instead, I mourned the miscarriage I had and clung to the thought that my baby was with God.   

A co-worker told me the following day that I AM a mother, my child is just not with me.  God blessed my husband and I with a baby for a brief time period.  Even though I continue to mourn the loss of someone I never met, God has provided me with the strength to push forward.  I am reminded of the song by Mathew West called Strong Enough.  The lyrics stated, "You must think I'm strong to give me what I'm going through."  Reality is, God is the source of strength and mercy.

Philippians 4:13, "For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength." (NLT)

Dear Lord, I know that You are the source of strength in life.  I pray that through the valleys I remember to seek our Your strength to help me surpass the trying times.  Please help me to take down my armor and equip myself with Your's.  In Jesus' name I pray, Amen. 

Enduring Growth

     Since I have written my last post, there has been a lot of enduring challenges/trials in my life.  Many people would consider having a miscarriage a major challenge.  I would more than agree with them.  However, it feels as though God has truly been pouring His strength in my life due to the troubles I have endured in addition to the miscarriage. 

      Throughout the last year, I have learned to place boundaries in  relationships; whether it is a friendship, marriage, or even a family member.  Relationships are not easy to maintain and require work from both ends.  However, I know that in order for my relationship with Christ to grow and prosper, I need to be devoted to Him.  When boundaries are crossed in relationships, Satan has a chance to begin to work. 

      James, Jesus' brother, tends to focus more on ethics in his writings.  Wondering how ethics and relationships go hand in hand?  Here's the answer: ethics can best be defined as a set of moral principles.  Relationships are in essence a system that requires moral principles to be healthy.  Once the morals/values in the relationship are faltered, the foundation of the relationship is compromised. 

       Looking particularly at James 1:2-4, "Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.  For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.  So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing."

        When I first read this scripture, I was humbled.  When someone that you have a relationship with (significant other, sister/brother, mother/father, best friend, etc) challenges/tries your relationship, this is an opportunity to grow.   This can be applied in many different circumstances as well: marriage, miscarriages, loss/grief, work/school, etc.   

        Please do not miss this next point though.  When you have a chance to grow, you have a chance to show as well.  What I mean is this, when you grow in Christ, you can show Christ to others in the growth. We can learn to build each other up, or tear each other down when we are enduring a trail.  Remember though, that God calls us to help each other, love each other, and forgive each other. 

Dear Heavenly Father, I seek Your will for my life.  I ask Lord, that through this trial, this challenge, this heartache, I can be an example to others.  I pray Lord that my actions and words are a reflection of You. In Your Precious Son's Name, Amen.

The Confirmation

I want to share with my readers/followers/bloggers, the joy and pain I have recently experienced. This is no extraordinary story; this is a personal story and journey. This is the journey of The Confirmation of my miscarriage.

On Wednesday April 11th, 2012 I made the announcement at work that I was pregnant. One of my co-workers and I came up with a pretty creative way to make the announcement at our monthly potluck. The joy and relief for everyone to know was amazing. However, by the end of the work day, I was so mentally exhausted I was ready to go home. What was in store for me still shakes me. I post on facebook a picture that I took of the onesie I bought my mom for her birthday (which happened to fall on Easter this year). That night, I had an unsettling feeling, something was not right.

Thursday April 12th, 2012, my mom drove me to the doctor's office where I met with Jason. We did a walk in appointment due to the fear of having miscarried. The thirty minute wait seemed like hours, seconds felt like minutes. The ultrasound confirmed the haunting news, there was no heartbeat. At some point between week six and week ten of my pregnancy the baby stopped growing. Jason and I were looking forward to April 13th (my birthday) and hearing our precious babies heartbeat and to see the progress in growth.

My reaction, I wept. The doctor informed us that about 25% of first pregnancy end up being miscarriages. A flood of questions filled my head. Did I do something wrong during the pregnancy? Was our baby a boy or a girl? How can I love something so much that I never met? My phone kept notifying me of everyone congratulating us on the news of the baby. The pain to quickly change my status and notify everyone that our baby is with God pierced my heart.

At some point, I felt a peace in my heart. I cannot tell you when it occurred. But I can tell you this, Satan has several times tried to remove the peace God has placed in my heart. I know, deep in my heart, that my beautiful, wonderful, nurturing grandmother is holding our precious baby in Heaven. I know that our precious baby feels no pain, no sorrow, but knows the joy of sitting on Jesus' lap. I know that I will one day meet our baby, name our baby, and hold our baby. I know that one day I will be able to see and learn every feature of our baby (hair color, eye color, skin tone, personality, and heart).

The days that follow were probably the hardest physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Jason and I have clung to God and the fact that He has a purpose and plan for us. I am at peace with what has happened to us. My hope is that everyone can find the peace in their soul as I have found. God is the ultimate Giver of Life, the Great Physician, and the Healer. These are things that I know because I know God's love for me, my husband, my family, and our baby. If you do not know the love of God and the sacrifice He has given, please continue to read.

God has a plan for you (Jeremiah 29:11). God loves you, created you, knows your heart, your pain, and your joy. God sent His son to die on a cross to wipe away your sin (John 3:16). HE wants a relationship with you. The amazing and simple thing that you can do is accept God in your life, your heart, and His forgiveness. Make the confirmation to know God and know your destiny to Heaven by accepting and putting your faith in Him.

With much love, I pray for your soul, your pain, and your healing. God has blessed me far beyond words with amazing family & friends. To hear the encouragement, to feel the flood of prayers, and to know the comfort of love surrounding Jason and I is overwhelming. For those who have lifted us in prayers....THANK YOU.

Marriage = Commitment

Here's a new sermon series that my pastor Brother Wayne Spivey has started preaching on. I want to share with you his encouraging words and guidance regarding marriage. This particular sermon series in titled, "What to do when you discover your marriage isn't perfect." Here are his notes on the first sermon titled Commitment. I added my own thoughts to this as well in purple.

There are four commitments that we (as a married individual) must make to help strengthen our relationship.

1. Commitment to GOD (Romans 12:1 states: "Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God--this is your spiritual act of worship.")

*We will all be married to Christ in Heaven ONE DAY! That is, if you have a relationship with Him.

2. Commitment to SPIRITUAL MATURITY (Romans 12:2 says: "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing, and perfect will.")

* Sometimes I think this is hard. I think that there is a belief among some Christians that we do not have to work at our relationship with God. If we go to Church for Christmas, Easter, and Mother's Day that we have done enough. However, God designed us to have a relationship with HIM.

* We must GROW together in the WORD of God! Spending time together in devotion, going to Church, and getting involved doing God's will is important.

3. Commitment to the MAINTENANCE of Marriage (Romans 12:9 states: " Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.")

*Nurture your relationship

* Work on patience

*Do nothing with your relationship and it will destroy

4. Commitment to the MIRACLE of Marriage (Romans 12: 18-19 says: "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live in peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord.")

*Let God take care of wrath.

If we focus on our relationship with God, I believe God will show us how to nurture our relationship with our spouse.

Dear Heavenly Father, please help me to stay focus on You and Your will for my life. Show me and Guide me to help nurture my relationship with my spouse. In your Son name, Amen.

There is FREEDOM

Have you ever felt tied down? Like the world is weighing you down and you aren't able to move? You are not alone! At some point we have all been there, some maybe more frequent than others.

There are times when we may be held down by our emotions, a specific trial we are going through, daily life, a sin, an addiction, or even family/friends. Thankfully there is one thing that can free us from all of our troubles. This thing that can free us does not cost anything but SAVES everything. Jesus Christ.

The Bible says:

"So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death" (Romans 8:1-2).

"For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirt of the Lord is, there is freedom" 2 Corinthians 3:18.

If you have Jesus Christ residing in your heart, you can have freedom. Please take note that sin will always be present because Satan still roams. However, knowing that Jesus holds your heart in His hand and that your spirit will take residence in Heaven, this should give you peace. We will always have challenges to face, but with God on our side, the challenge becomes easier. Freedom is your, you just have to accept Christ into your heart. Here's how you can do that:

Dear Heavenly Father, I know that I am a sinner. I understand that sending your Son to die on the Cross in my place saves me from my sins. I ask that you forgive me and live in my heart. I accept you as my Lord and Savior. In your Precious Son's Name....Amen.

My Favorite Things...

Back in November, I did a challenge on Facebook. The challenge was simple: Make your status about something you are thankful for everyday. I will admit, this was challenging. Often times, Satan gets a hold of me and makes me into a negative person. Growing up in church and children's choir we learn to sing a song, "Count your blessings, name them one by one." Well naming my blessings one by one was/is difficult. I was amazed at trying to count 30 blessings (a different one each day). But, I knew that about half way through, Satan wanted me to NOT see the blessings that GOD placed in my life. I am composing a list, along with pictures of my blessings.

Now I know, the title says My Favorite Things. I want to stop and ask you, aren't your favorite things blessings as well? Each area/picture holds a special favorite memory/moment in it as well. This is by no means a list of everything that I am blessed with. This is a quickly compiled list. 1. Family: Now I know I do not have pictures of every family member, but hopefully this gives you the idea. (Pictures below: Me & Jason, Me & My Aunt Betty, Me & my Momma, Me & Jaydon).

2. Creativity: Some of the creative projects (Picture: Edible Arrangement my sister and I made, hearts made of cream pulled candy, Wedding Program I designed, Magnolia Tree Blossom made from sea shells, and a quilt I made my best friend).

3. Friends: Once again I will not be able to add all my friends...but I hope you get the idea. (Me, Sarah, Abi, Courtney & Samantha...Sarah, Me, Abi & Courtney....Me, Erica, & Samantha). Unfortunately, about a year ago my computer crashed and I lost most of my pictures...these are still good!

I give praise to God for His is the One who gives and takes away. Do you stop and thank God for all He has given to you?

Dear Lord, You are the One who knows my needs. Daily You are the one who provides for me. Thank you for your blessings. May my life be a blessing to someone else. Amen.

This is the time...

Probably by now you are curious about the title of the blog, This is the time. I've been doing some soul searching recently and praying for God to give me guidance in an specific area. To spare all the details, I will simply say, this trial has been on going for over a year. I have sought out scripture, counsel from family & friends, and prayed. I share this blog to you that maybe you can take something away from it.

I have been learning that in life, there are seasons that we go through (graduating high school, going to college, moving away from home, getting married, losing a loved one, etc). In those seasons comes trails and tribulations. Solomon sums up in Ecclesiastes that there are all kinds of seasons in our lives, some good and some challenging.

"(3:1)There is a time for everything,

and a season for activity under heaven:

(v.2) a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

(v.3a) a time to tear down and a time to build,

(v.7) a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and at time to speak,

(v.8) a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace."

When my husband and I talked about this trial that I have been going through, we were searching for answers of what I should do next. I knew that the next action taken was going to affect both my husband and I (therefore we talked it out together). Jason quickly reminded me that if decided to close a door, it may just be for a season.

God has our lives planned out for us. While we do not understand the trail that we may be going through, there is a purpose. It has taken me a while to find the peace in the season I am transitioning into. However, I can say without hesitation, that it is time for me to rebuild areas of my life, to mend my heart & spirit, and to find peace. In order to get to this season, I had to make a tough choice (one that is personal and will not share here).

I say all of this because I want you to know...if you are going through a season that test who you are, know that God is still walking with you through the trial. God has never left my side. While I may not have held His hand through the whole trail, God kept His hand outstretched for me to reach. I have grabbed on to God's hand and I am ready to face my next season.

I will leave you with a quote that may help you through whatever you are going through..."This is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But, it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning" Winston Churchill.

Dear Holy Father, I pray Lord, that when I walk through the valleys and climb to the top of the mountain that I never lose focus on You. While I go through different seasons in my life, help me to realize that it is only a season. Thank you for placing some of the most amazing spiritual people in my life to help guide me and support me in life. I pray for those Lord who may be facing a tough season, please comfort them through this time. In your Precious Son's Name, Amen.

Roaring Like A Lion

I LOVE music...not that many of you could not have guess that by now. There is something captivating about hearing a song that is able to saturate every emotion you experience. The first time I heard the song "God's Not Dead" by Newsboys was this weekend. To be honest, it came at a God Moment.

I have had my fair share of moments to be proud of in life (accepting Christ into my life, earning my bachelors degree, earning my Master's degree, and overcoming some hard obstacles). However, this specific blog is not to boast about me. Now I don't have children, Jason and I are enjoying our married life. Therefore, I have never really experienced what most parents (and other individuals) feel when someone they love does something AMAZING. That moment hit me Sunday at church.

This past Sunday I had a very humbling experience, watching my husband being ordained as a Deacon. He has been faced with this decision for a few years now. In his testimony he stated that the first time he was asked his answer was easy. No. Simply because he did not meet the age requirement. This year he accepted the responsibility to serve God and the church.

I am honored to be married to a man who lives daily for Christ. There are times that I am facing a mountain or stuck in a valley and my husband has such encouraging words. We started dating when I was still in undergrad. I would wake up some morning to e-mails that had Bible verses attached to them. Still today, Jason reminds me to give my worries over to God.

I write this blog not to brag about Jason but to make a point. God calls US, each and everyone of us, to do HIS will. God's will for you may be to serve as a Deacon, to teach a Sunday School class, attend a mission trip, participate in a church committee or to help out with VBS. Whatever you are called to do, remember this verse, "And now, Israel, what does the LORD your God require of you? He requires only that you fear the LORD your God, and live in a way that pleases him, and love him and serve him with all your heart and soul."--Deuteronomy 10:12

Below are part of the lyrics to "God's Not Dead" by Newsboys. Our God is most certainly not dead...He's ROARING in you...Are you listening?

Let love explode

And bring the dead to life

A love so bold

To see a revolution somehow

Let love explode
And bring the dead to life
A love so bold
To see a revolution somehow

Now I'm lost in your freedom

And this world I'll overcome

My God's not dead

He's surely alive

He's living on the inside

Roaring like a Lion

Dear Heavenly Father, please reveal to me Your plan. Show me how You want me to serve you. Continue to roar like a lion in me so that other's may come to know You. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Plans for Tomorrows

Something I discovered about myself years ago is that I am a planner. I love to sit down and organize my schedule, it helps me with figuring out what comes next. I have always been the type of person who likes to know what comes next. A surprise in the schedule is often a hard reality to grasp.

The other day I was spending time with God and had one of those "ah ha" moments. I had already planned my New Years resolution out, or so I thought. The scripture that my devotion for the day was based on came from Exodus 23:20, "See, I am sending an Angel ahead of you to guard you along the way and to bring you to the place I have prepared." God had already planned ahead and sent an Angel to protect and guard them.

The second devotion I have been using is a unique devotion. The design is to be read like a letter from God based on a particular verse. God works in amazing ways and both of my devotions seem to correlate to the other. Proverbs 16:3 states, "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed."

One of my all-time favorite verse is one that is relatively common. It also ties into the theme of this blog. Jeremiah 29:11, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"

I needed to set the tone (the many verses) to make the following statements. God had a plan for your life, He has had this plan for you for a while. When you were in your mother's belly His plan was unfolding. If we stress out, worry, or fret over plans (much like I do), we can miss out of HIS plans.

Sheri Rose Shepherd (2004) lays it out the best in her devotion: His Princess, Love Letters from Your King. She wrote (keep in mind these are Love Letters from Your King), "Because I love you, I need you to give Me back all your plans for today and for all your tomorrows. If you let Me have your day, I can then intervene with something special."

Dear Heavenly Father, You hold the master plans for my life. I pray that I can give you my today and all of my tomorrow in order for great things to happen. As I seek out Your will, please guide my steps. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.