For a while I have wanted to write this blog, however, the words seem to fall short. I titled this blog "The Story Continues" because I wanted to update those who follow my blogs about the miscarriage. When it comes to my miscarriage, several things flow through my mind: heartache, disappointment, pain, and somehow comfort. The best way to explain the progress of coping with having a miscarriage would probably to explain the stages of grief by Kubler-Ross.
The miscarriage is still very real today (nearly four months later). There are daily reminders of Jason and I losing our baby (those having babies around us, milestones in the pregnancy we would be at, specific songs, etc). (Please know this, if you are expecting a bundle of joy, I cannot be any more happier for you...I rejoice with you and grieve silently) For some who have experienced a miscarriage, you may be able to closely relate to this. Others, may not fully understand the loss or pain. This is still a very sensitive subject for me.
Kubler-Ross stated that there are 5 stages of grief. Some individuals may experience all five stages; other individuals may tarry a while in one specific stage longer than others. I'll do my best to explain them and share what God says about grief.
1. Denial - During this stage, an individual may deny that an event/loss/etc occurred. This is generally noted as a defense mechanism. (The night before I went in to see the doctor, I floated in this stage. For me, I think a lot had to do with trying to stay positive. But deep down, I did not want to face the reality of losing my baby.)
2. Anger - This is kind of self-explanatory here. Feelings an rage/envy/etc are misplaced with anger. (I believe I briefly experienced anger. I was more angry at myself than anything. I knew, and still know, that God has a plan for me. I was upset at myself and doubting myself, "Could I have done something different?" "What if I did this instead of that?"---All which are unhealthy thoughts!)
3. Bargaining - At this stage, the individual may be looking for ways to prolong an event like death. Some individuals seek to bargain to mend a relationship/friendship. (For me, I did not have time to bargain. I found out the day before my birthday, the progress was pretty rapid after than, medically speaking.)
4. Depression - An individual may distance themselves from others to begin to cope with dying or death. They may begin to question, "Why me?" (This stage has been the hardest for me. I feel like I float between stages 4 & 5. There is a specific song that comes on KLOVE and Jason now recognizes to change it. There are mornings I wake up and feels in the slumps because I miss my baby. For ten weeks, I had a little being in me, depending on me. I am still in awe at how quick I became attached to my baby. However, I remind myself that God has my baby in His hands where there is no pain.)
5. Acceptance - The final stage is where an individual begins to acknowledge what is going to happen or what has happened. (I have accepted the miscarriage. The acceptance for me came when I had to be admitted to the hospital and have a D&C completed. However, I feel that I will be emotional about the miscarriage for a while...and that is part of the grief process for me.)
Throughout the process of grief, I am reminded of the chapter in Ecclesiastes where it talks about the different seasons. God shares that there is going to be grief in this world. Where there is sin, grief is close by. However, God tells us that while we may grieve for a time period, we will also learn to dance and rejoice.
For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. (Ecc. 3:1-4).
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for your many blessings in life. You continue to provide for our needs. Thank you for your grace and mercy which covers my sins. I pray Lord that you continue to heal this broken heart. In your Precious and Holy Son's Name, AMEN.
